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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

This is more like a rant to get all my frustration out of my system. Doubt it'll work but still, here goes nothing. I'm tired of being pushed around, tired of people not being true to me. Like come on, when you tell me you'll try your best to make things happen, you better try your best. Not some slipshod effort. Just cos it doesn't directly involves you?!

I don't know why I was so foolish to trust you so wholeheartedly in the first place. I don't know why did I hold on to so much hope that hey somehow you'd change. I don't freaking know why I devoted so much time and resources to you when obviously you didn't deserve it. And worse of all, I don't know why I trusted you so freaking much only to find things derogating to such a stage. Time and again, I tell myself to make the right decision. Hell I know what I should do. I just couldn't bear to do you to you. You were a priority in my life, and still is. But I swear the amount of importance is fading away. Friends who know about what you did are so disgusted and shocked at what you do. Yet I seem to be the only one hoping that somehow I'd be proven wrong and you'll emerge as the person I've always expected you to be, the person whom I had faith that you'll be. But days go by, months past but no. It never happens. No change, no metamorphosis, no transformation. Nil. Nothing.

What I'm left with at this stage are unnecessary worries. Problems caused by YOU. Yes your ignorant selfish little soul. May you realize the errors of your ways. You know I struggle with schoolwork, with stress, family problems. You know how if everything continues to happen, as shown in the DISC profiling graph, something will happen. Did you do anything within your capacity to help me? So much for saying 'the one who's important to me'. Yeah, I can totally see how important I am to you. Whatever.

I honestly thank God for my wonderful classmates from 11A1 and schoolmates whose interactions and conversations provide me a refuge, abide it being temporary from all the hell going around me. I act pretty much like a kid around them probably due to how much closer we've become and how much more comfortable I am around them. These are the people who will actually day things, mean them and do them. And I cannot help but see the difference between such awesome people and people like you and your kind.

On a second note, I've been pondering. Probably around years ago, a senior talked to me and made me realize the need of prioritizing academic excellence over seeking God. But this year, I've begin to question again. What if somehow, the degree of closeness with God determines the path and quality of academic excellence? And what of the time spent? I don't know. But I don't think i can handle a lot of time dedication to God. I'm sorry but although I agree with a lot of values taught, I can't put God first in my life.

And then there's the worry of not putting in enough effort, not prioritizing enough, too much stress, never improve fast enough to get to the uni courses that I want next time. I was so stressed that I decided to buy a PSP just to destress and thankfully it worked. I'm not saying that the current amount of effort I place into my subjects is enough but I just end up so exhausted without completing my goals I set for myself. And if this is not a worrying enough factor to underachieving, surely the lack of productive results or failure to achieve as much as I want to and complete my workload should be a sufficient indicator.

Oh well gotta just keep trying. And omg first time pulling the school flag for morning assembly today!

Saturday, 03 March 2012

So much changes in life again. Optimism, being magnanimous, and stubborn are all different things that although so, can exist in the same scenario. I realized how far my patience could go and whatever that's happening now is already straining near my boundaries. This internal struggles and stress was even reflected in my DISC graph. oh well.

hmm on al ighter note, 2012 marks a year of academic improvement and I want this trend to continue with more effort of my own too... Gotta keep going on even though I've got to solve the problem real soon. But the thing is, its not just a problem. Its something that started off small, years ago, which through the cause and effect process, escalated and affected my family. LEt me say this, if you're tired from outside, all you will ever want to do is to go home and rest and start homework. I'm damn tired, we're all tired.

Meet the parents coming, Preu semi's coming up, more commitments coming up, promo exams coming up, my bro's tense period, my dad and mum's anxiety, worry and shoutings all come to me. I'm tired of being the anchor and the strong one.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

I stood up and defended myself against a teacher for the first time in my life. Ms Arfah. Hell I spoke lesser in a year plus to her than what I told her to justify why she should not give us the detention. I was so so so pissed that I was on the edge of breaking into tears. Well at least everyone's detention got waivered. But I feel kinda bad for doing what I did. But still it was only bcos I spent so much time on literature and she said we did not out in effort. Hell I didn't even sleep that night!

Oh well Common Tests are coming up in 9 days time. I am totally stunned at how fast time flies and how I repeatedly fail to manage my time well:/ when can I even start to perform to my potential...
On the other hand, I am slowly but surely living life as a different person.

Same on so many levels, different on others.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Life has been absolutely interesting, abide a chore sometimes, I must say. Each time, I learn so much, experience so much, and then I live again. Well, the last transition of which I dearly miss is that from Safra on the first week on this month, 6th Jan to be exact, to... -drum rolls- YES back to school. Oh well. I cannot deny that school started off with a bang. Oh yes, a bang of the bag of tired emotions. The days of content rushing by my mind during the first week of school. And yupp, the occasional dozing off bcos of monotonous droning voices of our tutors hahaha. oh well, so I'm in the sports council. Apparently, so much for it being slacker. Apparently it isn't. I've been roped in to help out in this year's orientation but let me tell you something. I have a dislike for extremely immature people. The ones who jam up bus ways, refuse to lower their volume, run about places kind. yepp. hopefully MI has none of that sort. oh god, imagine being in charge of a group of 20 over or 30over? when I could be studying and preparing for my common tests/ thanks a lot, really. Oh well at least I get to see... hehe:P

I never expected to be feeling something as right as tho. hell it even felt like a few years before when everything was awesomely right, just that now's better. yet I cannot stop feeling that i shouldtn have been so restrictive, but i can't. although it feels more right now then never, than before.hopefully its for eternity. And 2012 is a year of changes. I must say I met an awesome group of Safra colleagues and they're the best bunch of awesome ppl you can ever wish for. I am well aware of how random this paragraph is, but too bad:P oh well there were bad news as well, in terms of my bro, but its ok, we shall get over it. and mr lee is now tutoring my bro~ hahaha

So I'm in a mentoring program whereby we've gotta pick any teacher or staff in MI to be our mentor. and yay Ms Huang agreed! sooo yupp. haha oh yes. The part about the guilt trip talk. I am the type of person who is soft hearted. LOL yes. I actually am. -do not roll your eyes at this- hahaha but well, I was just thinking, with so much more commitments like that of pre university seminar as student liaison officer (SLO) and orientation group leader (OGL) for orientation, and the normal council duties... and the additional PW this year... how the hell am I gonna cope? I mean I may seem to be able to but I struggle a hell lot. and throughout it all, I ask myself why the heck am i getting mediocre grades just cos I sacrifice time or the school? No one's perfect. No one's infallible, no one's super strong.

No matter how much i keep telling myself that my will MUST supersede my limits, no matter how much I set goals for myself, how much I try to tell myself i can do it, I must do it, I cannot disappoint anyone or myself anymore, it never seems to really work. It seems as with everyone's going places while I'm still stuck in transit. This isn't meant to be emo. Its just what I really really truly feel, and so does my friend Jerald. Its funny how the two of us can think the same, score the same grades, don't have na atitde problem, put in damn lot effort, yet receive results that are not proportional to our efforts. We have, at many times examined our study habits, doubted ourselves, and then again came to an understanding that maybe this isn't the best for us but there isn't a choice cos the careers that we want can only be best attained by this route.

It kinda seems unfair isn't it? Life, that is. But then again, it was never fair to begin with. We all have our stage of victories, our stages when we falter, and needed someone to hold us by our arms and keep us walking forward. But then again, how often is that? You see, we all have our past, a set of values, what we've gone thorugh- our set of weaknesses and strengths Resilience alone, doesn't not triumph and nor does talent alone, most of the time. I thought that by compensating for the previous lack of understanding ith long durations of time spent on our subjects, we can do damn well, but apparently not. we scraped through.

Nevertheless, I shall not give up. we shall all not give up. It is only through the strongest and toughest conditions that real champions are made and glorified. Yes, we shall not be moved.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Life is not a bed of roses. Now repeat after me. Life is not a bed of roses. It'll never be a bed of roses. It can never be compared to roses. Frankly, I don't see why the association to those flowers. Life's problems are sure as hell more than those teeny prickly things called thorns. You mean life's pleasure are like the nectar then? Rubbish. Just plain rubbish. I suppose the one thing that I can truly believe in is that Music heals the soul. People leave their houses in foul moods in the morning and music makes them calmer. People feeling scared, hear a tune or two, and feel happier and more peaceful. Music just somehow provides listeners with transcendental abilities, equipping them with strength, courage, love, and all the elements and feelings that they need to muster to go through from situation to situation; stage to stage.

Time and time again, I've used music as a form of cure, for all seasons. For breakups, broken hearts, lost hope, anger, frustration. Likewise for yesterday and the day before. I can't even begin to describe the extreme emotions I went through. From happy, to frustrated to annoyed and happy and back to sad. In just one day. Well you get the idea. What the hell made me think that I was strong enough to hear him telling me about the others that came after me. I was sure I had no feelings for him. I AM sure I still don't have feelings for him. But I don't know why I reacted that way. and then the next day, in the morning I was damn pissed off by a comment but lucky on the way to work, I listened to music and felt a hell lot better. And then I had to make a stupid mistake at work. I swear I put in my 100% attention from then beginning to the extent that I didn't even use my phone at all until I typed finish everything. I double tripled check everything yet at the last page of inventory still can key wrong. Seriously, almost key everything finish already then I had to go and bloody screw up again. And let me tell you, the feeling that you know you can't do something right hurts like fuck. I was mad at myself for being so fucking careless. Even worse was the fact that I wasn't using my name to key in the redemption. And then I knew I screwed up major cos it was my 3rd mistake. I swear my hands were shaking and my heart beated so fast, I was surprised I wasn't hyperventilating. Then I had to see Mui Lim's face and I was like, damn, wtf have I done I fucked this shit so badly. I could tell she was upset, angry, worried for the mistake cos it was under her name, yet she didn't scold me. All of which made me feel even more fucking guilty than before. So so guilty to the extent that when I was sitting on 190 back home, that mistake was all that I could think about. I don't get what the hell is wrong with me and why couldn't I see properly and key in data without mistakes. For fuck's sake, its just keying the damn information in, what could be harder than that?! Just totally felt like such a loser.

It doesn't help if a fucking creep is sitting next to you through out the whole one hour pls journey of the bus and keeps on looking at you. Creepy like what the shit. And not the first time. The worse incident was when I was going to work and this guy, mid twenties, in office wear, mind you, kept touching my hand regardless of wherever I moved to, and I got so fucking pissed off that I used my large crumpler bag and rammed it in-between us. Fuck pesos and their fucking obsessions. Oh but on a lighter note, Jiayi is from CHC! What a pleasant surprise! Though she's from AN zone which I think is pastor Audrey's zone. Been thinking a lot on whether I should go back to church but I don't know.

Whatever, its just been so morbidly depressing and negative for the guilt and disappointments I meet at work as well as what happens in my life.